Tag: copingskills

Nurturing a Child with Asperger’s Syndrome

While the drama was undeniably amusing at the time, it’s a great example of one of the mistakes we made—and the lessons we learned—in nurturing our son’s personal development as he grew up.

A little boy sitting on a big rock pouting.

“I’m just going to go across the road and… DIE!”

So declared my then eight-year-old son, who has Asperger’s Syndrome.

What caused him such overwhelming agony that he felt he simply could not go on?

I moved a forsythia bush in the yard from there to over there.

And while the drama was undeniably amusing at the time (and required pains to hide it), it’s a great example of one of the mistakes I made—and the lessons I learned—in nurturing my son’s personal development as he grew up.

As mainstream recreational programming widens to welcome more children with special needs, and the real opportunities to raise these children’s future prospects grow, I humbly offer some of the simple strategies my wife and I learned in raising our young son, which may help in providing a more nurturing aspect to your programming.

1 Practice coping mechanisms. Aspergers kids often suffer from sensory overload, detecting every sight and motion, every sound and smell, every texture and sensation. Our son was unable to tune out the background clamor most people don’t even notice. Because it’s not possible to control all surroundings, we introduced and practiced coping mechanisms that helped him manage the overload. Things like deflecting anger with humor, providing a safe place of retreat (very important!), and teaching him how to read facial expressions helped him cope when tensions ran high.

2 Pick Your battles. Because he needed social interaction, but would never choose it on his own, we limited the battles on that front to just two that did him a world of good: Boy Scouts with its outdoor adventures; and marching band with its required precision that appealed to his mathematical mind. Knowing what’s really important, rather than what’s merely a preference, helped us focus our care where he needed it most, and avoid needless confrontations and frustrations.

3 Provide stability. Aspergers kids love their ruts. That’s where they’re comfortably ensconced. They’re happy there, with no need to ever change. Routines are important. Rules are important. So as much as possible, we provided stability at home with our routines and consistency in enforcing rules.

This youngest child of four shared household chores with his siblings. Saturday was yardwork, Sunday was church. Every evening at 5:30 the whole family sat down together for supper. And after we were done eating, we lingered together to share in a variety of subjects—from listening to a piece of music to discussing current events to admiring artwork, or something from science, history or literature. One springtime we read the entire book of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer aloud in small segments after supper. Provide stability.

4 Prepare for changes. You thought you hated change? Try being an Asperger’s kid with absolutely zero tolerance! Here was my mistake in moving the bush: I never warned him. While he was at school one day, I decided on the spur of the moment to transplant the shrub. It was already a done deal when he got home. NNNOOOO!! He simply could not cope with its suddenness. His life was over. The only thing he could do was to go across the road and die!

We learned to prepare our son for changes that will come. One year, we had a great three-week vacation at the end of the summer. When we arrived home, we realized, “oh, yeah, school starts next week.” What! A! Disaster! From that episode we learned to prepare him for transitions. “Son, school starts in 4 weeks, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, next Tuesday…” “You’re going to have to start wearing pants again soon instead of shorts, because the days are getting colder and you’ll freeze your buns off!” Prepare for change.

5 Persevere in unconditional love. No matter the depth of his meltdowns or how he acted out, our love and acceptance as a vital part of our family was never questioned. We approached it from this truth: “Son, you have an amazing gift in being able to view the world from a unique perspective—and you will find purpose in it. Hang in there. We love you intensely!” Persevere!

So for those who have or are working with young children on the autism spectrum, I offer this encouragement and hope: My son —the physicist with a Master’s degree in nuclear physics!—is now working two research jobs with Penn State. Hang in there! It’s hard to predict the ultimate destination of these kinds of adventures. But you have both the opportunity and the ability to make a difference in these children’s lives and their futures. My absolute best to you!

Agility in the land of Giants

In Bruce Wilkinson’s wonderfully empowering book The Dream Giver, he spins an allegory about a guy named Ordinary who leaves his comfort zone to pursue his dreams. The further he travels away from the familiar, the more unsettled he becomes, and the more he is oppressed by those opposed to his audacity to dream. He encounters Border Bullies, who try to prevent him from crossing into unfamiliar territory. His tenacity is tested in the Wasteland. And just when the fulfillment of his dream is in sight, he meets Giants, whose self-appointed purpose is to take him down and deny his dream.

If you’ve ever pursued a big dream, you know the tale is true. Some of the obstacles that prevent us from realizing our goals are gigantic. But as leaders, if we are to persist and win, we must find ways to effectively neutralize those Giants, one way or another:

Avoid the Giant. Some problems can simply be avoided, like detouring around a landslide. There may be many routes to your goal. One blocked path doesn’t mean you are deterred, merely detoured.

Redirect the Giant. Some Giants attack simply because they cannot allow any challenge to go unanswered. But if you can convince a Giant that you are not an enemy, and in fact, may share some common goals, you may be able to enlist that Giant’s considerable help by focusing its energies on another target. You may have talented and passionate Giants who have difficulty in comprehending the long-term goal, and unintentionally cause obstructions to your progress. But if that passion can be directed along a parallel path to a mutual aim, you’ve not only removed an obstacle, but have gained a committed ally.

Hinder the Giant. In an effective offensive strategy of a good football team, some members intentionally block the moves of the opposing team while others advance the ball toward the goal. Recognize that your best chance for reaching your goal is not a solo effort. Take time to develop collaborative partnerships and train your teammates in anticipation of necessary strategies.

What tactics can be employed, if necessary, to move beyond the obstacle, huge as it is? Are there any social, legal, economic, or other incentives (or disincentives) to employ? What resources can be added or removed from the state of affairs to mitigate the problem? How may the confounding issue be countered, refuted or reframed? With a well-trained and well-equipped team, your Giant may be controlled or curtailed enough for the dream to be attained.

Conquer the Giant. It is dangerous to approach a Giant. Because of its size, strength, and contrariness, confronting a Giant can be a fearfully intimidating experience. It has the capacity to seal your fate and steal your dream. Confronting the Giant may indeed be a life-and-death matter.

Fear is a natural reaction to facing the unfamiliar, the hazardous, or the unknowable. Yet, the only tonic for fear is courage: intentional action in spite of it. Knowing full well the risks, the dreamer takes a deep draught from the flask of Courage, calculates his steps, and proceeds.

Giants do not easily fall. But even the biggest and most fearsome are not invincible. Conquering them, while difficult, is possible. The dreamer/leader and his or her team must commit all available resources to knowing, acting on, and reacting to their own—and the Giant’s—strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. With persistence, proper knowledge and courageous deeds against the Giant, yield it may.

Like successful dreamers, the most effective leaders find ways to disable the difficulties on the way to achieving the mission. Who or what are your Giants?

MasterPoint: Disable your Giants to achieve your dream.

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