Category: Self-awareness

Rainbow in the rearview

it’s all about perspective

One rainy day I glimpsed a rainbow in my rearview mirror. And while I don’t recommend taking your eyes off your destination for long, a quick review of where you’ve been in such circumstances can be an encouraging reminder of three fabulous truths.

A rainbow in your rearview means:

•  the storm and its difficulties are behind you. You have survived it. Be grateful, and leave those troubles in the past.

•  you are facing the sun and its clearing skies. You are entering a change in your state of affairs. Be grateful, and embrace the future.

•  there are still beautiful wonders in this beleaguered, woeful world. Be grateful, and enjoy the present.

– from Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventures with Asperger’s

A trail guide of hope

for parents and caregivers of children with autism

Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope

for all the parents and caregivers of children

who appear to have advantages, but somehow do not;

who want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot;

who yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.

See why: tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s

Spatial giftedness in high-functioning autism

visualizing new perspectives

The mental ability to visualize objects in three-dimensional space, and to imagine them from different perspectives, is a sign of spatial intelligence. This mode of thinking helps explain how our son could never get lost, even in wilderness; and, seemingly without effort, offer up fresh perspectives and solutions on vexing problems. One of his work-related computer programs developed a concise and elegant solution to what had previously been a complex geometrical quandary.

A very practical application of this visualization gift showed up when he was just eight years old. At a family reunion picnic, he most-closely guessed the number of Hershey’s Kisses® in two different sized jars, and won them both!

Our book, Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s  tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s recounts our son’s troubles and triumphs at home, school, and work, and how he has learned to cope and overcome. Find out how the journey is everything.

Schools as welcoming havens?

not when bullying is tolerated

Our son, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), was often an inadvertent contributor to his problems by his lack of social savvy—but not always. Bullies can rise up anywhere and everywhere. And at any age. (Apparently, bullies never grow up.) They may even take the more insidious and impersonal form of institutional and systemic bias.

Children with physical, developmental, intellectual, emotional, and sensory disabilities often seem to have a prominent “Kick Me” sign on their backs, a seemingly irresistible target for the bullying mindset. Try as our son might to blend in or stay unnoticed, his “marching to a different drummer” routine attracted attention—especially from those kids who judged him ripe for their mocking, harassing, teasing, taunting, badgering, and bullying.

Often, bullies’ exploitive route is through their victims’ lack of peer support. Having friends can prevent and protect against bullying. But children with special needs often fail to make friends, and may have difficulty getting around, trouble communicating and navigating social interactions, or display signs of vulnerability and emotional distress. All of these challenges mark them as “different,” and increase their risk of aggression from bullies.

Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with ASD, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope. tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s

Leadership Qs

for self-examination

What are my leadership aspirations primarily motivated by?

…a sense of duty or obligation?

…a desire for recognition, advancement, or power?

…a tactic to build my image or brand?

Or does it come from a genuine love for others?

Can it be true leadership if I am the one it benefits most?

Love for others is a much more compelling motivation to do what’s best for others than self-interest could ever be.

How deeply do I love those I lead?

The gift of Asperger’s

that both hinders and enables

“One of the exceptional gifts of Asperger’s Syndrome is the ability to perceive an issue from a unique perspective, which can lead to fresh or surprising solutions.” – from Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s.

Despite some very rough times growing up, when our son’s autism spectrum disorder (ASD) hindered his social development, that same gift later enabled his success as a research engineer with a Master’s in physics.

Stepping Stones is the story of the paths we carved while raising a child on the high functioning sliver of the autism spectrum. We offer it as a trail guide of hope for all parents and caregivers of children with ASD.

We are offering a free ebook copy (pdf or epub) to all who leave a message of “book” with an email address. (See contact page.) All we ask is that you provide an honest review on Amazon when finished reading it. We wish all the best in their daily challenges!

The image shown comes from the book’s back cover. It was created by our son by plotting the solutions of millions of polynomial equations on the complex plane, and stacking and colorizing the result.

Comparison and accountability

I have now lived just as long as Leonardo Da Vinci, and longer than Walt Disney, Abraham Lincoln, Marie Curie, Martin Luther King Jr, Jim Henson, C.S. Lewis, and so many other accomplished men and women I admire—and I can’t help comparing what I’ve done with my life to date.

But that’s not what I should be measuring, is it? I may not have produced a similar depth and breadth of accomplishments, but…

Have I nurtured my own gifts and talents?

Have I well-stewarded the resources I’ve been accountable for?

Have I contributed my best to my tasks, responsibilities, goals, and dreams?

Is my conscience clean, despite my failures, mistakes and shortcomings?

Have I extended grace to those who have disappointed or wronged me?

Have I been a positive influence to those who know me?

Have I loved my family to the utmost, and lived my life with integrity?

If so, I’m ok with that.

And any comparisons with others’ accomplishments are useless.

Stepping Stones

our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s

Supportive relationships bring vitality to reality.
We are very grateful to our friends and family who have stood by us during some of our most challenging times. This year, we were able to publish our story of raising our youngest son on a high functioning sliver of the autism spectrum. As the first student in the school district diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, he became the blunt instrument of change it required but didn’t know it needed.

Each phase of life can be a stepping stone to progress.
From the distinct advantage of countless wayfinding steps more than 20 years in the making, we’re now able to tell the tale of our passage. But at the time, we hadn’t a clue to the route, or the fuss we would create.

Words of faith determine the journey’s end before I arrive.
In October this year, we celebrated our 45th anniversary. We couldn’t have imagined most of what our lives have become, but we know Who holds our future, and that faith has both carried us through and worked out all things for our good.

Intentional steps bring opportunities that alter destinies.
In February, Philip obtained a position as a Research Engineer, after the persevering quest of 7 years and 840 job applications. We helped move him to Webster, NY and unload the truck during a winter squall off Lake Ontario with -10° windchill and near-whiteout conditions!

A strong sense of purpose overrides the pain of fulfilling it.
The bold statements in this post come from several of the chapter openings in Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s. In it, we share how we hadn’t planned to be pioneers in an arduous journey—but that’s where we have found love, courage, hope, faith, learning, humor, growth, failure, trial, and triumph—everything that rounds out a life well-lived.

Only by overcoming challenges to my progress do I advance toward it.
Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope for all the parents and caregivers of children who: appear to have advantages, but somehow do not; want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot; yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.

I affirm the worth of my potential and progress toward a favorable future.
Despite advances in diagnoses, therapies and other accommodations, many systemic inequities against the neurodivergent remain to be dismantled. This book introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope.

Ignorance imprisons the mind, but learning liberates the spirit.
Philip wrote the last chapter of the book, recounting the life lessons he learned in grad school and in securing a full-time job. He also created the back cover artwork and others in the book. Produced by solving and plotting the results of hundreds of millions of polynomial equations, and then stacked and colorized, he’s named this type of mathematical art “polyplots.”

Sit in peace. Stand on principle. Soar with purpose.
Stepping Stones is available in print or ebook through our website timandcarolherd.com, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and other booksellers.

We believe in the message our little memoir contains, and we’re trying to reach as many people as possible. We are available for speaking to groups and for book signings. If you are an active Amazon customer, you can post a review, regardless of where you have purchased the book.

We offer this story of our experience to the great range of parents, caregivers, therapists, and support networks—as well as those who are on the autism spectrum themselves—as our like-missioned, kindred spirits. And we thank you for your support.

My termination, my choice

my professional sacrifice, my future

It’s been ten years since I resigned my job to keep my integrity, spent 17 months unemployed, and lost all my money.

And I still don’t regret it.

At the time, I was the chief executive to lead and administer my organization’s comprehensive operations. But a pattern of destabilizing behavior by the Board chair undermined my authority and community relations, unsettled two organizations, hindered the ability to attract and keep good associates—and ultimately severed the trust between us.

Without recounting the agonizing year-long details, I can report that my choices narrowed to two: I could defer to the Chair’s autocratic takeover and abandon my responsibilities, my conscience, and my integrity; or I could resign to keep what was truly in my control.

Because I resigned, I was not eligible for unemployment compensation. And at age 57, I discovered ageism first-hand as I applied unsuccessfully for more than 45 positions over the next 17 months, for which I was well-qualified.

It was truly a hard time.

But as I’ve learned, “Hard is ok.” Hard times are prime growth times—but only if I so choose. My attitude and my decisions remain within my exclusive control (unlike my circumstances!), and do inevitably influence my eventual outcomes.

What I confirmed is that my character is refined in crucibles, and my resilience ripens in distresses—but only when I sustain my faith in a better future.

Do I regret having to go through this? I am sorry it happened.

However, for its surpassing opportunities and eventual superior future, I am very grateful for the experience.

Jerks at Work

Be a positive role model, not a model jerk

I’ve been a fan of Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoons since their start. And this particular one tells me that not only does God love diversity, he’s also got a sense of humor!

Unfortunately, humoring a jerk doesn’t prevent the problems they create. And when you work with a jerk, it’s not just irksome—it can be a major career-disrupter!

Of course, the first, best way to deal with jerks is to be certain you’re not one of them! Many people learn to become jerks at work by mimicking their managers and their coworkers. So the fewer who act like jerks, the less their contagion will spread.

But of course, there are always plenty of jerks to go ‘round. No matter what their role or relationship, you need to know how to manage them for your own (and possibly mutual) benefit. Once you make sure that you have a clear understanding of their questionable behaviors, you can then tailor your response to fit the particular person and situation. Some cases call for swift, direct and assertive action, while others call for more subtlety, patience, and persuasion.

The book Jerks at Work: How to Deal with People Problems and Problem People by Ken Lloyd, is a wonderful resource offering hundreds of real-life workplace questions with practical considerations, suggestions and insights to employ in all sorts of jerk defense and management. Because the author says it all so well, I quote from his introduction and summary:

“Jerks can be present in every aspect of work life, from the first contact in the employment process to the last day on the job, and all points in between. For example, jerks can clearly highlight their presence when conducting job interviews, and in the way they treat new employees. At the same time, there are applicants and new employees who feel compelled to demonstrate that they, too, can act like jerks. With every assignment, task, chore, meeting, project, deadline, objective, and interaction, jerks are always seeking that special opportunity to let everyone know who and what they are.

“In leadership positions, jerks can truly come in into their glory. They can be invisible, omnipresent, inequitable, intransigent, nasty, unfair, unethical—the list goes on and on. And interestingly, jerks as subordinates can be just as outrageous, as can jerks as co-workers.

“One properly placed jerk at virtually any level of an organization can be linked to a vast array of problems that include leadership ineptitude, widespread unfairness, abysmal teamwork, resistance to change, twisted feedback, conflict escalation, pointless meetings, communication breakdowns, employee stagnation, muddled decision-making, inequitable rewards, staff rebelliousness, and a very uncomfortable environment. And as the number of jerks increases, so increases the number of problems.

“Although there are no automatic or canned solutions for the problems jerks create, there are some strategies that can help, provided that every problem is analyzed individually, and specific steps are developed to handle each. With a solid strategy in mind, many actions taken by jerks can be stopped and prevented, or at the very least, avoided.

“There are some key pointers that anyone at any job level should keep in mind in order to be a positive role model, rather than a model jerk:

  • Treat people with respect and trust.
  • Listen to what others have to say.
  • Be fair and honest.
  • Set positive expectations.
  • Recognize the value of diversity.
  • Keep the lines of communication open.
  • Be a team player.
  • Keep furthering your education.
  • Establish realistic plans and goals.
  • Look for solutions, not just problems.
  • Try to understand others as individuals.
  • Give thanks and recognition when due.
  • Keep quality and service in clear focus.
  • Encourage innovative and creative thinking.
  • And most importantly, remember that only a jerk ignores the Golden Rule.”

Invest in yourself and your future. Jerks at Work can arm you with the knowledge and sensitivity to combat jerk behavior in your employers, coworkers, employees—and most importantly, in yourself.

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