for parents and caregivers of children with autism
Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope
for all the parents and caregivers of children
who appear to have advantages, but somehow do not;
who want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot;
who yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.
See why: tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
not when bullying is tolerated
Our son, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), was often an inadvertent contributor to his problems by his lack of social savvy—but not always. Bullies can rise up anywhere and everywhere. And at any age. (Apparently, bullies never grow up.) They may even take the more insidious and impersonal form of institutional and systemic bias.
Children with physical, developmental, intellectual, emotional, and sensory disabilities often seem to have a prominent “Kick Me” sign on their backs, a seemingly irresistible target for the bullying mindset. Try as our son might to blend in or stay unnoticed, his “marching to a different drummer” routine attracted attention—especially from those kids who judged him ripe for their mocking, harassing, teasing, taunting, badgering, and bullying.
Often, bullies’ exploitive route is through their victims’ lack of peer support. Having friends can prevent and protect against bullying. But children with special needs often fail to make friends, and may have difficulty getting around, trouble communicating and navigating social interactions, or display signs of vulnerability and emotional distress. All of these challenges mark them as “different,” and increase their risk of aggression from bullies.
Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with ASD, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope. tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
The most impactful book to me in 2023 was one I wrote with my wife Carol and our youngest son. Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventures with Asperger’s is our growth journey from accepting “that’s just Philip,” to obtaining a diagnosis on the autism spectrum, to learning how to cope and still succeed. From the distinct advantage of countless wayfinding steps more than 20 years in the making, we offer pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope to all parents and caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder. tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
I try to read widely, for both intellectual development and entertainment. Not all my choices pertain directly to my work, or even my personal interests. Restricted Data: The History of Nuclear Secrecy in the United States, recommended to me by my physicist son, wasn’t one I’d have chosen on my own, but it did augment what I learned from the Oppenheimer film this year. Even fiction, when it represents a divergent point of view, can add to my useful stores of knowledge. Ilana’s Love, a book by my friend (which, despite the inference from its title is not a romance novel—a genre I usually do ignore!), furnished a thought-provoking perspective on relationships.
I re-read all 4,100 pages of the 7-volume Harry Potter series, (the first published 26 years ago!) enjoying many details and nuances not found in the films. J.K. Rowling is a master of originality, dialog, character development, and plot complexities.
Is it just me, or are subtitles are getting longer all the time? But then there’s John Grisham, whose obviously successful title formula is: “The __.” Nonetheless, the subtitles do help me better remember the content afterward.
The complete list of those I’ve read last year follows, but here are my personal citations for those I’ve found most captivating, memorable, or practical in the following categories:
Work-related: Herding Tigers: Be the Leader That Creative People Need
Biography: Leonardo da Vinci
History: The Klondike Fever: The Life and Death of the Last Great Gold Rush
Science: An Immense World: How Animal Senses Reveal the Hidden Realms Around Us
Nonfiction: Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home
Business: Ice Cream Social: The Struggle for the Soul of Ben & Jerry’s
Spiritual: Experiencing God Day by Day
Fiction: What Rose Forgot, and The Man Who Died Twice
our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s
Supportive relationships bring vitality to reality.
We are very grateful to our friends and family who have stood by us during some of our most challenging times. This year, we were able to publish our story of raising our youngest son on a high functioning sliver of the autism spectrum. As the first student in the school district diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, he became the blunt instrument of change it required but didn’t know it needed.
Each phase of life can be a stepping stone to progress.
From the distinct advantage of countless wayfinding steps more than 20 years in the making, we’re now able to tell the tale of our passage. But at the time, we hadn’t a clue to the route, or the fuss we would create.
Words of faith determine the journey’s end before I arrive.
In October this year, we celebrated our 45th anniversary. We couldn’t have imagined most of what our lives have become, but we know Who holds our future, and that faith has both carried us through and worked out all things for our good.
Intentional steps bring opportunities that alter destinies.
In February, Philip obtained a position as a Research Engineer, after the persevering quest of 7 years and 840 job applications. We helped move him to Webster, NY and unload the truck during a winter squall off Lake Ontario with -10° windchill and near-whiteout conditions!
A strong sense of purpose overrides the pain of fulfilling it.
The bold statements in this post come from several of the chapter openings in Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s. In it, we share how we hadn’t planned to be pioneers in an arduous journey—but that’s where we have found love, courage, hope, faith, learning, humor, growth, failure, trial, and triumph—everything that rounds out a life well-lived.
Only by overcoming challenges to my progress do I advance toward it.
Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope for all the parents and caregivers of children who: appear to have advantages, but somehow do not; want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot; yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.
I affirm the worth of my potential and progress toward a favorable future.
Despite advances in diagnoses, therapies and other accommodations, many systemic inequities against the neurodivergent remain to be dismantled. This book introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope.
Ignorance imprisons the mind, but learning liberates the spirit.
Philip wrote the last chapter of the book, recounting the life lessons he learned in grad school and in securing a full-time job. He also created the back cover artwork and others in the book. Produced by solving and plotting the results of hundreds of millions of polynomial equations, and then stacked and colorized, he’s named this type of mathematical art “polyplots.”
Sit in peace. Stand on principle. Soar with purpose.
Stepping Stones is available in print or ebook through our website timandcarolherd.com, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and other booksellers.
We believe in the message our little memoir contains, and we’re trying to reach as many people as possible. We are available for speaking to groups and for book signings. If you are an active Amazon customer, you can post a review, regardless of where you have purchased the book.
We offer this story of our experience to the great range of parents, caregivers, therapists, and support networks—as well as those who are on the autism spectrum themselves—as our like-missioned, kindred spirits. And we thank you for your support.
my professional sacrifice, my future
It’s been ten years since I resigned my job to keep my integrity, spent 17 months unemployed, and lost all my money.
And I still don’t regret it.
At the time, I was the chief executive to lead and administer my organization’s comprehensive operations. But a pattern of destabilizing behavior by the Board chair undermined my authority and community relations, unsettled two organizations, hindered the ability to attract and keep good associates—and ultimately severed the trust between us.
Without recounting the agonizing year-long details, I can report that my choices narrowed to two: I could defer to the Chair’s autocratic takeover and abandon my responsibilities, my conscience, and my integrity; or I could resign to keep what was truly in my control.
Because I resigned, I was not eligible for unemployment compensation. And at age 57, I discovered ageism first-hand as I applied unsuccessfully for more than 45 positions over the next 17 months, for which I was well-qualified.
It was truly a hard time.
But as I’ve learned, “Hard is ok.” Hard times are prime growth times—but only if I so choose. My attitude and my decisions remain within my exclusive control (unlike my circumstances!), and do inevitably influence my eventual outcomes.
What I confirmed is that my character is refined in crucibles, and my resilience ripens in distresses—but only when I sustain my faith in a better future.
Do I regret having to go through this? I am sorry it happened.
However, for its surpassing opportunities and eventual superior future, I am very grateful for the experience.
grateful for those who keep our parks clean, safe, and ready to use
From a concept that occurred to me during a simple trail walk four years ago to yesterday’s national celebration, I am thrilled with the attention and gratitude it brings from all over the country to all those who keep our parks and public spaces clean, safe, and ready to use. These unsung heroes deserve it!
It is these committed behind-the-scenes workers who ensure that when:
I was privileged to attend one of those public celebrations, hear a local Proclamation honoring their staff, and present a commemorative plaque to my colleagues of the Carlisle Borough Parks and Recreation Department at their community pool.
But if you missed yesterday’s occasion, you don’t need to wait until the next third Friday in July. Next time you visit a park, consider it a tribute to your local park and recreation providers to just mention a little thanks to the programmer, manager, maintainer, landscaper, facilitator, lifeguard, coach, event organizer or caretaker.
my brother, my friend
When we were little, my mom was often asked if Brian and his brother Timmie were twins. No, she’d reply, they’re 20 months apart.
You’d think, with that small a degree of separation, we would have been a lot alike. But, as it frequently happens in siblings, we were quite different in personality, talents and interests. He drove me nuts, and I know I exasperated him.
That’s not to say we didn’t get along, however, because we did. We played together every day, back on the farm (‘course, there weren’t any other playmates our age in sight!)
And we continued to commit acts together through our teens, like the time our parents were away vacationing, and we chopped down (with an axe) an old apple tree in the yard that our dad had casually mentioned that, someday, he’d get rid of. Our Grandma conspired with us to get a man she knew who had a chain saw to cut off the stump even with the ground. We lived on grape juice and sandwiches: I preferred peanut butter and jelly, but Brian made the same every day: mincemeat baloney, cheese and ketchup in white bread.
Our paths diverged more in high school when Brian first experienced hallucinations, and later heard voices, in what was eventually diagnosed as schizophrenia.
As an adult, he battled those same demons, along with depression, anxiety, and unpredictable psychotic episodes in decades of discerning what was truly his reality.
He did take some college courses on writing, which he truly enjoyed, and was an ultimate fan of many old-time movies and science fiction TV shows. And he had a couple of menial jobs, but eventually he could no longer cope well enough to be productive in them.
Under the influence of an arm-length’s list of narcotics to control the nastiness, he often appeared “blank,” without much of a personality. And while there were many long periods of an acceptable status quo, the drugs never cured him, and it became more difficult to determine the cocktail’s exact right proportions to maintain that increasingly slim balance.
But through it all, his mild-mannered personality and good-humored wit would serve him and endear him to those who knew him.
Yet he had more to suffer. On the day of our mother’s 80th birthday party, Brian got lost on a route he knew so well. He drove about the streets of Bethlehem until he ran out of gas, and was able to pull off on a side street to park. Someone asked him if he was ok, and he said no. They called an ambulance for him. There was no room at Muhlenberg Hospital, where he usually went, so they took him to St. Luke’s instead. There, because they didn’t know him, they ran some tests his usual doctors probably wouldn’t have. They found a brain tumor.
Brian celebrated his 50th birthday with the first of three surgeries to counter the cancer’s terrible, inevitable advance.
Despite the harshness of his life, Brian remained a kind soul who complained only of physical pain, but never his lot in life. See My brother Brian: a victorious tragic life.
He remains my example in patient perseverance, and all-around good guy I wish was still with us. But that’s selfish of me; he’s now free of his lifelong afflictions and I’m glad for him. Today would have been his 65th birthday. I miss him, my friend, my only brother.
and how we can use it to improve ourselves and those around us
Whenever I’ve talked about the need for critical thinking, I’ve noticed that those who need it most are usually the ones who agree most—but for other people!
Maybe this stems from our volatile society, but our collective exasperation (outrage?) at others’ points of view is certainly exacerbated by a lack of critical thinking by all parties.
I don’t consider myself a master critical thinker, but at least I can see how most political ads break every rule of sound and fair reasoning. (Of course, their purpose is to vilify opponents with innuendo, appeals to irrational fears, outright lies, distortions and half-truths; and a creative lack of depth, breadth, clarity or fairness. For that, they do a pretty consistent job—however unprincipled!)
But let’s start with clarity.
What critical thinking is not: using a judgmental spirit to find fault, assign blame, cancel, or censure.
What critical thinking is: using a disciplined thought process to discern what is clear, rational, open-minded, and informed by evidence.
After all, we are what we think. Our attitudes, feelings, words, and actions are all determined by the quality of our thinking. Unrealistic thinking leads to disappointment; pessimistic thinking spurns joy; practical thinking builds productivity; grateful thinking grows appreciation; and affirmative thinking leads to possibilities and opportunities.
Our brains do a pretty good job in identifying patterns and fixed procedures that require minimal consideration. It allows us to function efficiently in familiar zones and predictable routines. And hardwired in all of us is a prioritized egocentric core to protect our personal interests. But increasingly, our progressively diverse world and its unrelenting pace of change requires analytical thinking that is more vigorous, more complex, more adaptable, and more sensitive to divergent views—if we are not to degenerate into the dystopian futures of our movies!
That kind of elevated thinking is reasoning, which draws conclusions about what we know, or can discover, about anything. To reason well, we must intentionally process the information we receive. What are we trying to understand? What is its purpose? How can we check its accuracy? Do we have a limited, shaded, or jaded point of view? What is fact, what is evidence, and what is interpretation? What is the question or problem we are trying to solve? What assumptions are in our inherent biases, and how can we move away from them? What are the ultimate implications or consequences?
Our reasoning, therefore, needs standards with which to measure, compare and contrast all the bits of information in order to come to a meaningful and fair conclusion. Such intellectual standards include clarity, precision, accuracy, significance, relevance, logicalness, fairness, breadth and depth.
In the absence of these reasoning standards, we default to our self-centeredness, which inevitably leads to gnashing of teeth, biased irrationality, and social regrets. But when we vigorously apply these standards, we develop a capacity for fairmindedness, rational action, and healthy societies. This intellectual clash for the mastery of our own minds frames two incompatible ends:
Virtues for fair-minded rationality Vices inhibiting fair-minded rationality
intellectual humility intellectual arrogance
intellectual autonomy intellectual conformity
intellectual empathy intellectual self-centeredness
intellectual civility intellectual rudeness
intellectual curiosity intellectual apathy
intellectual discipline intellectual laziness
intellectual integrity intellectual hypocrisy
Here is a starter set of questions for better thinking and reasoning, drawn from the critically acclaimed book Critical Thinking, by Richard Paul and Linda Elder:
Informed reasoning leads to better self-management, better understanding and relationships between people and groups—and ultimately, a better, more cooperative society. And let it begin with me.
I have a standing personal rule: Always Bring a Book!
Whenever I break it, I’m inevitably sorry.
Books are important to me: in them I find distilled wisdom, practical instruction, and engrossing entertainment. They customize my intellectual, psychological, and spiritual development; they build my technical and relational capabilities; they expand my leadership and service; they refresh my mind and spirit.
In 2022, my wife, son and I wrote a book about the challenges, lessons and adventures in raising our youngest son with Asperger’s Syndrome, which will be published this coming year.
I try to read widely. Not all my choices pertain directly to my job, or my personal interests. Invisible Women opened my eyes and mind to systemic male-based data bias. Even fiction, when it represents a divergent point of view, can add to my useful stores of knowledge. Case in point for this year: The Personal Librarian, based on the true story of a black woman passing as a white woman in the employ of J.P. Morgan in the early 1900s.
The complete list follows, but here are my personal citations for those I’ve found most captivating, memorable, or practical in the following categories:
Work-related: CEO Excellence; Critical Thinking; Extreme Ownership
Biography: Frederick Douglass; An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth
History: The First Conspiracy: The Plot to Kill George Washington
Iconic/Classic: Travels with Charley in Search of America
Fiction: Where the Crawdads Sing; West With Giraffes; The Personal Librarian
Science: Humble Pi; Brilliant Maps for Curious Minds
Societal: Invisible Women; Untrustworthy
Thriller: Boar Island
Humor: The Definitive Biography of P.D.Q. Bach
Spiritual: The Hole in Our Gospel
by personal friends: Super Powers and Secrets; Crushed and Marred; Stand; People Connectors
simple steps to introduce children with ASD to nature
Whether it’s simply walking in a park, gardening, biking, kayaking, wildlife watching or even just sitting with a view of greens pace, nature is good for what ails us.
Our physical, mental and emotional health is surprisingly co-dependent on interactions with our natural environment. Regular exposure delivers restorative benefits; a lack of it brings detrimental consequences.
In his book, Last Child in the Woods, author Richard Louv describes the effects of what he called “nature-deficit disorder”: a distressing bundle of physical and emotional afflictions from the lack of personal interaction with nature — like low self-esteem, social anxieties, obesity and cardiovascular diseases.
And he’s not a lone prophet crying in the wilderness: a growing body of worldwide research backs him up.
Such studies have shown that time spent in nature can raise our morale, sociability and mental clarity. It can reduce the effects of stress, anxiety, attention deficit disorder behaviors and more.
For children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), research shows that engagement with nature provides sensory motor skill, emotional and social benefits. However, related issues — like sensory challenges, phobias, inappropriate behaviors and safety concerns — may make the adventure a bit harder than just your average walk in the park. Of course, each child’s strengths and needs vary, but psychologists say nature exposure can be an effective intervention strategy.
Beyond its calming attributes for children with ASD, nature also can be an exciting place to focus their exceptional powers of observation. The same single-mindedness that can master a narrow, arcane topic may also find fascination in the feel of a breeze, the ripples in a puddle, the rhythm of a katydid, the colors in a rainbow, the fragrance of a rose, or the textures and patterns in a pinecone.
Interacting with animals is another encouraging ASD-nature connection. Equine therapy uses horses and trained instructors to help the children calm, focus, think, talk, behave and learn. Family pets can be a ready-at-any-time, home-based therapy. Studies have shown that children with autism who had a pet from a young age tended to have greater social skills. Other research verifies how social behaviors in children with ASD temporarily improve after even a short play period with a live animal, such as a guinea pig (versus a toy).
My family experience with my youngest son, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, bears this all out. From the time he was 5 years old, we lived in the country, with nature literally out the door, and he often played and explored outside contentedly for long stretches. (We did have a neighbor through the woods who sometimes blasted his radio as far as our yard, which greatly upset our son in his quiet communing with nature. We had to go ask him to turn it down, which he graciously did.) For a time, we had a knuckleheaded dog, named Toby, which our young son loved and treated very well, as he did a series of multicolored cats. One year, he incubated bobwhite quail eggs and raised the chicks until they matured, and we released them into our back field. Another year, he raised chickens until the roosters crowed at 4 a.m. In all his animal interactions, he brought enthusiasm and a pleasant demeanor to his interest and grew in his responsibilities for caring for them.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry adds that caring for a pet can help children develop nonverbal communication, compassion, empathy and trusting relationships. Along with their connection to nature, pets also can bring comfort contact for unmet physical and emotional needs.
Here are some simple, starting steps to introduce children with ASD to nature:
Simple interactions with nature can bring both immediate and long-range therapeutic benefits for children with ASD. All they need is someone to introduce them in ways they can appreciate; nature provides the rest.
