for parents and caregivers of children with autism
Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope
for all the parents and caregivers of children
who appear to have advantages, but somehow do not;
who want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot;
who yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.
See why: tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
visualizing new perspectives
The mental ability to visualize objects in three-dimensional space, and to imagine them from different perspectives, is a sign of spatial intelligence. This mode of thinking helps explain how our son could never get lost, even in wilderness; and, seemingly without effort, offer up fresh perspectives and solutions on vexing problems. One of his work-related computer programs developed a concise and elegant solution to what had previously been a complex geometrical quandary.
A very practical application of this visualization gift showed up when he was just eight years old. At a family reunion picnic, he most-closely guessed the number of Hershey’s Kisses® in two different sized jars, and won them both!
Our book, Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s recounts our son’s troubles and triumphs at home, school, and work, and how he has learned to cope and overcome. Find out how the journey is everything.
not when bullying is tolerated
Our son, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), was often an inadvertent contributor to his problems by his lack of social savvy—but not always. Bullies can rise up anywhere and everywhere. And at any age. (Apparently, bullies never grow up.) They may even take the more insidious and impersonal form of institutional and systemic bias.
Children with physical, developmental, intellectual, emotional, and sensory disabilities often seem to have a prominent “Kick Me” sign on their backs, a seemingly irresistible target for the bullying mindset. Try as our son might to blend in or stay unnoticed, his “marching to a different drummer” routine attracted attention—especially from those kids who judged him ripe for their mocking, harassing, teasing, taunting, badgering, and bullying.
Often, bullies’ exploitive route is through their victims’ lack of peer support. Having friends can prevent and protect against bullying. But children with special needs often fail to make friends, and may have difficulty getting around, trouble communicating and navigating social interactions, or display signs of vulnerability and emotional distress. All of these challenges mark them as “different,” and increase their risk of aggression from bullies.
Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with ASD, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope. tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
that both hinders and enables
“One of the exceptional gifts of Asperger’s Syndrome is the ability to perceive an issue from a unique perspective, which can lead to fresh or surprising solutions.” – from Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s.
Despite some very rough times growing up, when our son’s autism spectrum disorder (ASD) hindered his social development, that same gift later enabled his success as a research engineer with a Master’s in physics.
Stepping Stones is the story of the paths we carved while raising a child on the high functioning sliver of the autism spectrum. We offer it as a trail guide of hope for all parents and caregivers of children with ASD.
We are offering a free ebook copy (pdf or epub) to all who leave a message of “book” with an email address. (See contact page.) All we ask is that you provide an honest review on Amazon when finished reading it. We wish all the best in their daily challenges!
The image shown comes from the book’s back cover. It was created by our son by plotting the solutions of millions of polynomial equations on the complex plane, and stacking and colorizing the result.
The most impactful book to me in 2023 was one I wrote with my wife Carol and our youngest son. Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventures with Asperger’s is our growth journey from accepting “that’s just Philip,” to obtaining a diagnosis on the autism spectrum, to learning how to cope and still succeed. From the distinct advantage of countless wayfinding steps more than 20 years in the making, we offer pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope to all parents and caregivers of children with autism spectrum disorder. tinyurl.com/4c6bxw4s
I try to read widely, for both intellectual development and entertainment. Not all my choices pertain directly to my work, or even my personal interests. Restricted Data: The History of Nuclear Secrecy in the United States, recommended to me by my physicist son, wasn’t one I’d have chosen on my own, but it did augment what I learned from the Oppenheimer film this year. Even fiction, when it represents a divergent point of view, can add to my useful stores of knowledge. Ilana’s Love, a book by my friend (which, despite the inference from its title is not a romance novel—a genre I usually do ignore!), furnished a thought-provoking perspective on relationships.
I re-read all 4,100 pages of the 7-volume Harry Potter series, (the first published 26 years ago!) enjoying many details and nuances not found in the films. J.K. Rowling is a master of originality, dialog, character development, and plot complexities.
Is it just me, or are subtitles are getting longer all the time? But then there’s John Grisham, whose obviously successful title formula is: “The __.” Nonetheless, the subtitles do help me better remember the content afterward.
The complete list of those I’ve read last year follows, but here are my personal citations for those I’ve found most captivating, memorable, or practical in the following categories:
Work-related: Herding Tigers: Be the Leader That Creative People Need
Biography: Leonardo da Vinci
History: The Klondike Fever: The Life and Death of the Last Great Gold Rush
Science: An Immense World: How Animal Senses Reveal the Hidden Realms Around Us
Nonfiction: Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home
Business: Ice Cream Social: The Struggle for the Soul of Ben & Jerry’s
Spiritual: Experiencing God Day by Day
Fiction: What Rose Forgot, and The Man Who Died Twice
our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s
Supportive relationships bring vitality to reality.
We are very grateful to our friends and family who have stood by us during some of our most challenging times. This year, we were able to publish our story of raising our youngest son on a high functioning sliver of the autism spectrum. As the first student in the school district diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, he became the blunt instrument of change it required but didn’t know it needed.
Each phase of life can be a stepping stone to progress.
From the distinct advantage of countless wayfinding steps more than 20 years in the making, we’re now able to tell the tale of our passage. But at the time, we hadn’t a clue to the route, or the fuss we would create.
Words of faith determine the journey’s end before I arrive.
In October this year, we celebrated our 45th anniversary. We couldn’t have imagined most of what our lives have become, but we know Who holds our future, and that faith has both carried us through and worked out all things for our good.
Intentional steps bring opportunities that alter destinies.
In February, Philip obtained a position as a Research Engineer, after the persevering quest of 7 years and 840 job applications. We helped move him to Webster, NY and unload the truck during a winter squall off Lake Ontario with -10° windchill and near-whiteout conditions!
A strong sense of purpose overrides the pain of fulfilling it.
The bold statements in this post come from several of the chapter openings in Stepping Stones: our pathfinding adventure with Asperger’s. In it, we share how we hadn’t planned to be pioneers in an arduous journey—but that’s where we have found love, courage, hope, faith, learning, humor, growth, failure, trial, and triumph—everything that rounds out a life well-lived.
Only by overcoming challenges to my progress do I advance toward it.
Stepping Stones is a trail guide of hope for all the parents and caregivers of children who: appear to have advantages, but somehow do not; want to be happy and fit in, but largely cannot; yearn to be treated respectfully, but usually are not.
I affirm the worth of my potential and progress toward a favorable future.
Despite advances in diagnoses, therapies and other accommodations, many systemic inequities against the neurodivergent remain to be dismantled. This book introduces the concepts required to continue organizational change. And to all parents and caregivers of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, this true tale offers pragmatic guidance, self-help encouragement, and real reason for hope.
Ignorance imprisons the mind, but learning liberates the spirit.
Philip wrote the last chapter of the book, recounting the life lessons he learned in grad school and in securing a full-time job. He also created the back cover artwork and others in the book. Produced by solving and plotting the results of hundreds of millions of polynomial equations, and then stacked and colorized, he’s named this type of mathematical art “polyplots.”
Sit in peace. Stand on principle. Soar with purpose.
Stepping Stones is available in print or ebook through our website timandcarolherd.com, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and other booksellers.
We believe in the message our little memoir contains, and we’re trying to reach as many people as possible. We are available for speaking to groups and for book signings. If you are an active Amazon customer, you can post a review, regardless of where you have purchased the book.
We offer this story of our experience to the great range of parents, caregivers, therapists, and support networks—as well as those who are on the autism spectrum themselves—as our like-missioned, kindred spirits. And we thank you for your support.
insatiably curious, relentlessly observant
I recently learned quite a bit about the self-taught polymath and world-renown genius Leonardo da Vinci, in an excellent biography by Walter Isaacson.
In it I discovered that Leonardo was the illegitimate firstborn son of Piero, in a long line of Florentine notaries. He lived with his birth mother and was apprenticed to the artist Verrocchio in Florence. He was a dandy dresser, favoring rose-colored robes. He was a disdaining contemporary of Michaelangelo (“He paints like a sculptor”), a friend of Nicolo Macchiavelli, and spent the better part of his life seeking patronage from provincial rulers to do the things he wanted to do. He earned a reputation for not finishing works, preferring instead to follow his interests, rather than his commissions.
As an artist, da Vinci is famous for his ability to convey lifelike motion with emotion in his subjects, and as the painter of The Last Supper and the Mona Lisa masterpieces. But his insatiable curiosity and keen observations led to many innovative concepts in art, entertainment, nature, science, geometry, architecture, urban design, engineering, hydraulics, and anatomy, to name just several.
How many other artists do you know who dissect cadavers to learn first-hand what muscles control movements in their subjects? He studied the actual mechanisms that transmit emotions into facial expressions. On one sheet of the ever-present notebooks he clipped to his robes is an anatomical sketch of a pair of lips that seem to suggest a just a hint of a mysterious smile, which resurfaced in his most famous portrait.
But what fascinates me about his anatomical studies is his intuitive leap to connect what he observed in natural stream flow with the internal biological workings of the human heart. Informed by his love of hydraulic engineering, fluid dynamics, and his fascination with swirls and eddies, he made a discovery about the aortic valve that was not fully appreciated for centuries. In 1510, he correctly concluded in that eddies in the blood in the widened section of the aorta were responsible for closing the valve it just passed through.
The common view, which was held by most heart specialists for another 450 years, was that the valve was pushed shut from above once enough blood had rushed into the aorta and began to back up. Most other valves work that way, closing when the flow begins to reverse. But in the 1960s, a team of medical researchers at Oxford used dyes and radiography methods to observe blood flows. The experiments showed that the valve required “a fluid dynamic control mechanism which positions the cusps away from the wall of the aorta, so the slightest reversed flow will close the valve.” That mechanism, they realized, was the vortex of swirling blood that Leonardo had discovered in the aorta root.
In 1991, the Carolina Heart Institute showed how closely the Oxford experiments resembled the ones Leonardo had described in his notebooks. And in 2014, another Oxford team was able to study blood flow in a living human, using magnetic resonance techniques, to prove conclusively that Leonardo was right.
Despite his ground-breaking discoveries and insightful futuristic fancies, Leonardo seemed motivated to accumulate knowledge for its own sake, rather than to be recognized as a scholar or to influence history. He largely left his trove of treatises unpublished. Over the years, and even centuries, his discoveries had to be rediscovered by others. Isaacson concludes, “The fact that he didn’t publish served to diminish his impact on the history of science. But it didn’t diminish his genius.”
I highly recommend the book: you’ll be amazed at the scope of da Vinci’s work, and perhaps, like me, inspired to be more curious and observant.
Be a positive role model, not a model jerk
I’ve been a fan of Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoons since their start. And this particular one tells me that not only does God love diversity, he’s also got a sense of humor!
Unfortunately, humoring a jerk doesn’t prevent the problems they create. And when you work with a jerk, it’s not just irksome—it can be a major career-disrupter!
Of course, the first, best way to deal with jerks is to be certain you’re not one of them! Many people learn to become jerks at work by mimicking their managers and their coworkers. So the fewer who act like jerks, the less their contagion will spread.
But of course, there are always plenty of jerks to go ‘round. No matter what their role or relationship, you need to know how to manage them for your own (and possibly mutual) benefit. Once you make sure that you have a clear understanding of their questionable behaviors, you can then tailor your response to fit the particular person and situation. Some cases call for swift, direct and assertive action, while others call for more subtlety, patience, and persuasion.
The book Jerks at Work: How to Deal with People Problems and Problem People by Ken Lloyd, is a wonderful resource offering hundreds of real-life workplace questions with practical considerations, suggestions and insights to employ in all sorts of jerk defense and management. Because the author says it all so well, I quote from his introduction and summary:
“Jerks can be present in every aspect of work life, from the first contact in the employment process to the last day on the job, and all points in between. For example, jerks can clearly highlight their presence when conducting job interviews, and in the way they treat new employees. At the same time, there are applicants and new employees who feel compelled to demonstrate that they, too, can act like jerks. With every assignment, task, chore, meeting, project, deadline, objective, and interaction, jerks are always seeking that special opportunity to let everyone know who and what they are.
“In leadership positions, jerks can truly come in into their glory. They can be invisible, omnipresent, inequitable, intransigent, nasty, unfair, unethical—the list goes on and on. And interestingly, jerks as subordinates can be just as outrageous, as can jerks as co-workers.
“One properly placed jerk at virtually any level of an organization can be linked to a vast array of problems that include leadership ineptitude, widespread unfairness, abysmal teamwork, resistance to change, twisted feedback, conflict escalation, pointless meetings, communication breakdowns, employee stagnation, muddled decision-making, inequitable rewards, staff rebelliousness, and a very uncomfortable environment. And as the number of jerks increases, so increases the number of problems.
“Although there are no automatic or canned solutions for the problems jerks create, there are some strategies that can help, provided that every problem is analyzed individually, and specific steps are developed to handle each. With a solid strategy in mind, many actions taken by jerks can be stopped and prevented, or at the very least, avoided.
“There are some key pointers that anyone at any job level should keep in mind in order to be a positive role model, rather than a model jerk:
Invest in yourself and your future. Jerks at Work can arm you with the knowledge and sensitivity to combat jerk behavior in your employers, coworkers, employees—and most importantly, in yourself.
some reflection on jobs well done
One of the roles of my job is to host an annual statewide conference for the professional development and networking of our members. This year’s production took place last month in Hershey, Pennsylvania, where we were gratified to see our attendance reach our normal pre-covid levels (and distribute a staggering amount of chocolate!). As usual, the conference was the culmination of a year’s worth of planning and preparations, and resulted in a productive, but intense time of collegial sharing and learning. By its completion, I was completely “talked-out” and need some quiet, recuperative, alone time.
So after we’d packed up our materials to head home, I took a side trip by myself to The Hershey Story Museum on downtown’s Chocolate Avenue. (Yes—downtown Hershey’s streetlamps are fashioned like the iconic Hershey Kisses!) Fortunately, the museum wasn’t crowded at that time, and afforded me a couple of hours to leisurely stroll through the exhibits, communing, but not conversing.
Some years ago, I had read an excellent biography on Hershey, and learned a good bit about his life, and extrapolated some character- and business-building lessons for my own edification. See this Sweet Inspirations! blog post.
The Museum really does its founder well. Its interactive, engaging, fun, and modern exhibits depict the comprehensive story of Milton S. Hershey’s life and the history of his picturesque, namesake town.
As an 8-yr-old Cub Scout, I remember touring the original chocolate factory, and witnessing the actual transformation of cocoa into chocolate before my seeing, smelling and tasting senses! Alas, the days of tourists in the actual factory, however, are long-gone; although its modern accommodation is a Disney-esque ride through Hershey’s Chocolate World—complete with strolling Hershey bar characters, swooshing of liquid “chocolate,” and singing animatronic cows, before depositing you in a chock-filled candy and merchandise gift shop.)
The Museum was all I needed at that moment: Peaceful. Engaging. Reflective. Unhurried. I enjoyed viewing the machinery used at the original factory, the interactive displays, the stories of the early business failures and successes, and the images and artifacts from the founding of a bit of utopia in the fertile farmlands of 1903.
Like other industrialists of his era, Milton Hershey envisioned his company town as a model enclave, removed from the influences of the big city. But he brought a more beneficent corporate paternalism to his project than many of his contemporaries. A sign above his desk read, “Business is a Matter of Human Service,” which he apparently took to heart.
Spending lavishly on the town, he provided well-equipped houses for workers to buy, free education through a junior college, and even an amusement park and a zoo. I learned from the museum, that he encouraged his workers to start their own businesses, even if they competed against him. One H.B. Reese, who worked in the Hershey dairy farm, took him up on the idea, and independently created and sold Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups from just down the street, using Hershey chocolate in his confections. Forty years later in 1963, his sons amicably sold the business to The Hershey Company.
Before I left the museum for my long drive home, I enjoyed a well-made Reuben sandwich from the in-house Lisa’s Café, savoring the peaceful atmosphere surrounding several jobs well-done.
and how we can use it to improve ourselves and those around us
Whenever I’ve talked about the need for critical thinking, I’ve noticed that those who need it most are usually the ones who agree most—but for other people!
Maybe this stems from our volatile society, but our collective exasperation (outrage?) at others’ points of view is certainly exacerbated by a lack of critical thinking by all parties.
I don’t consider myself a master critical thinker, but at least I can see how most political ads break every rule of sound and fair reasoning. (Of course, their purpose is to vilify opponents with innuendo, appeals to irrational fears, outright lies, distortions and half-truths; and a creative lack of depth, breadth, clarity or fairness. For that, they do a pretty consistent job—however unprincipled!)
But let’s start with clarity.
What critical thinking is not: using a judgmental spirit to find fault, assign blame, cancel, or censure.
What critical thinking is: using a disciplined thought process to discern what is clear, rational, open-minded, and informed by evidence.
After all, we are what we think. Our attitudes, feelings, words, and actions are all determined by the quality of our thinking. Unrealistic thinking leads to disappointment; pessimistic thinking spurns joy; practical thinking builds productivity; grateful thinking grows appreciation; and affirmative thinking leads to possibilities and opportunities.
Our brains do a pretty good job in identifying patterns and fixed procedures that require minimal consideration. It allows us to function efficiently in familiar zones and predictable routines. And hardwired in all of us is a prioritized egocentric core to protect our personal interests. But increasingly, our progressively diverse world and its unrelenting pace of change requires analytical thinking that is more vigorous, more complex, more adaptable, and more sensitive to divergent views—if we are not to degenerate into the dystopian futures of our movies!
That kind of elevated thinking is reasoning, which draws conclusions about what we know, or can discover, about anything. To reason well, we must intentionally process the information we receive. What are we trying to understand? What is its purpose? How can we check its accuracy? Do we have a limited, shaded, or jaded point of view? What is fact, what is evidence, and what is interpretation? What is the question or problem we are trying to solve? What assumptions are in our inherent biases, and how can we move away from them? What are the ultimate implications or consequences?
Our reasoning, therefore, needs standards with which to measure, compare and contrast all the bits of information in order to come to a meaningful and fair conclusion. Such intellectual standards include clarity, precision, accuracy, significance, relevance, logicalness, fairness, breadth and depth.
In the absence of these reasoning standards, we default to our self-centeredness, which inevitably leads to gnashing of teeth, biased irrationality, and social regrets. But when we vigorously apply these standards, we develop a capacity for fairmindedness, rational action, and healthy societies. This intellectual clash for the mastery of our own minds frames two incompatible ends:
Virtues for fair-minded rationality Vices inhibiting fair-minded rationality
intellectual humility intellectual arrogance
intellectual autonomy intellectual conformity
intellectual empathy intellectual self-centeredness
intellectual civility intellectual rudeness
intellectual curiosity intellectual apathy
intellectual discipline intellectual laziness
intellectual integrity intellectual hypocrisy
Here is a starter set of questions for better thinking and reasoning, drawn from the critically acclaimed book Critical Thinking, by Richard Paul and Linda Elder:
Informed reasoning leads to better self-management, better understanding and relationships between people and groups—and ultimately, a better, more cooperative society. And let it begin with me.
